In a dreamlike landscape, a lone figure is lit up, struggling with the burden of an unforeseen fate. “You were chosen.” This is a phrase many adoptees have heard. It is almost always spoken with the intention of kindness and love. It’s meant to reassure, to soothe and to be a comforting story offered to children trying to make sense of why they ended up in a different family. And for some, this story works for a while. There can be warmth in the idea that someone  wanted  you – that among all possibilities,  you  were the one selected. But what happens when that narrative begins to feel… complicated? The Flip Side of “Being Chosen” As adult adoptees explore their stories more deeply – often in therapy, journalling, or simply through lived experience – the “chosen” narrative can begin to feel less like comfort and more like pressure. Here are a few of the themes that may arise: Theme How It Might Show Up Idealisation Feeling like you need to be  grateful , or even “perfect”, to live up to the idea of being “specially chosen.” Loss & Rejection “If I was chosen… why was I not kept?” The story of being picked can sometimes bypass the grief of being relinquished. Agency Adoption happens  to  children – being “chosen” can minimise the lack of say an adoptee had in life-altering decisions. Performance Pressure Feeling like you have to prove you were “worth choosing.” This can quietly feed into perfectionism or people-pleasing. This isn’t to say that every adoptee will feel this way. But many do. And often, they’ve never said it out loud – especially if they’re worried about hurting the feelings of adoptive parents or others who love them. Making Space for the Full Story A common feeling can be something like this: “I know they meant well… but I feel like I can’t be angry or sad about being adopted because I was ‘chosen’. I feel guilty for even questioning it.” That guilt is real. So is the pressure to protect others from your pain. But therapy can be a space where  your truth matters most  – no sugar-coating required. Part of healing is allowing more than one truth to exist at once: Yes , your adoptive parents may have loved you deeply. Yes , they may have genuinely believed they “chose” you. And  yes , you may also carry deep grief, anger, confusion, or loss. These feelings aren’t mutually exclusive. They’re part of the complex, layered experience of being adopted. Reclaiming Your Own Language A powerful shift in adult adoptees is the move from stories they were told  about  themselves, to narratives they write  for  themselves. You might choose to reframe “being chosen” in a way that feels more true: “I was placed in a family that loved me – and I’m still allowed to feel grief about what I lost.” “I didn’t get to choose what happened to me, but I’m choosing to understand it now.” “I’m exploring  my  story, not just the one I was told.” Therapy can support you in gently unpacking old narratives and building new ones that are more aligned with who you are now. A Gentle Invitation If this post resonates with you, you’re not alone. Being adopted often means carrying layers of emotion that aren’t always visible on the surface. The “chosen” story may have comforted your younger self – and you may now be ready to explore the story beneath it. As a counsellor specialising in supporting adult adoptees, I offer a space where your full story – not just the shiny bits – is welcome.

In a swirl of purples and abstraction, a surreal face looms, capturing the fluidity and confusion of identity. For many adoptees, questions about identity can feel like an ever-present undercurrent in their lives. "Who am I really? Where do I come from? What parts of me are shaped by nature, and what parts by nurture?" These are profound and sometimes unsettling questions that can lead to a sense of identity confusion. Without clear biological roots or a concrete sense of personal history, adoptees may struggle to feel grounded in their sense of self. The Complexity of Identity for Adoptees Identity is shaped by a combination of genetics, environment, culture, and personal experiences. While all individuals go through a process of self-discovery, adoptees often face unique challenges in piecing together their identities. This can stem from: ·       Lack of Biological Continuity  – Many people find grounding in family resemblances, inherited traits, and shared family history. For adoptees, this connection can feel absent or incomplete, leading to a sense of fragmentation. ·       Unanswered Questions  – Adoptees may not have access to their full birth history, medical records, or the reasons behind their adoption, leaving gaps in their personal narrative. ·       Dual Identities  – Some adoptees feel caught between their biological heritage and their adoptive family’s culture and traditions, struggling to integrate both aspects. Feeling Ungrounded and Disconnected Without clear biological roots, many adoptees describe feeling unanchored, like a boat drifting on the water. This lack of a foundational sense of belonging can create: ·       A struggle with self-definition  – Without knowing where you come from, defining who you are can feel elusive. ·       A sense of ‘otherness’  – Feeling different from both adoptive and biological families can create an ongoing internal conflict. ·       Difficulties in relationships  – Uncertainty about identity can sometimes make it harder to connect authentically with others and sometimes also with yourself. Navigating Identity Confusion While identity confusion can feel overwhelming, there are ways to foster a stronger sense of self: ·       Exploration and Self-Reflection  – Journaling, therapy, or talking with other adoptees can help clarify feelings and experiences. ·       Seeking Information  – If possible, accessing birth records, heritage research, or even DNA testing can provide missing pieces of the puzzle. ·       Embracing Both Sides  – Accepting that identity can be fluid and that it’s okay to integrate aspects of both biological and adoptive roots can be empowering. ·       Therapeutic Support  – Working with a therapist who understands adoption-related issues can provide a safe space to process identity struggles. Conclusion Identity confusion is a real and valid experience for many adoptees, but it doesn’t have to define them. By exploring their past, embracing their unique story, and finding grounding in self-awareness and support, adoptees can build a sense of identity that feels authentic and whole. Healing and self-acceptance take time, but every step towards understanding oneself is a step towards greater peace and clarity. If you're struggling with identity confusion as an adoptee, know that you're not alone. Support is available, and your journey to self-discovery is valid and important. If therapy feels like it might be helpful for you, contact me to book an introductory call to discuss how we might work together.

An illustration of a large directory, symbolising an extensive collection of information. Being an adoptee comes with a unique set of experiences and navigating life as someone who was adopted can present emotional and psychological challenges that are distinct from those faced by non-adopted individuals. Therapy can be a powerful way to understand yourself, heal from trauma, and foster better mental health. It is essential that your therapist understands the significance of the developmental trauma resulting from relinquishment. In the UK, there are many therapists available, but finding the right one to support you in your adoption journey requires careful thought. It’s important to understand what you're looking for in a therapist and what qualities or qualifications they should have to provide effective support. Clarify Your Reasons for Seeking Therapy Before you begin your search, take some time to reflect on why you’re seeking therapy. Therapy for adoptees can address a wide range of issues, and knowing what you want to focus on can help you find a therapist who is best equipped to support you. You may also want to think about whether you are looking for a solution-focussed therapist to target specific concerns which tends to be shorter term work or a less directive approach allowing you to be more open and explore things more deeply. Look for Specialisation Adoption is a complex issue, and not all therapists are familiar with the specific emotional, social, and psychological challenges adoptees face. It’s important to find a therapist who understands adoption dynamics and has had appropriate training in this area. Lived experience can also be incredibly valuable. Therapists who specialise in adoption support will have a nuanced understanding of the emotional layers involved in adoption and will be better equipped to guide you through the challenges you might face. A Safe, Non-Judgmental Space One of the most important factors in choosing a therapist is how comfortable you feel with them. Therapy is a deeply personal and vulnerable experience, and you need to feel safe, supported, and understood. Being in relationship can be difficult for adoptees but trusting in a good therapeutic relationship can be amazingly healing. Here are some things to consider when assessing whether a therapist provides the right environment: Empathy and understanding : The therapist should approach you with warmth and empathy, respecting and validating your unique experiences as an adoptee. Cultural sensitivity : Adoptees from different backgrounds may have unique experiences related to race, ethnicity, or culture. A good therapist should have cultural competence and be respectful of your identity. Non-judgmental attitude : A therapist should create a space where you feel free to express yourself without fear of judgment. They should listen actively and validate your feelings, even if those feelings are complicated or conflicted. Trust your instincts—if you feel that a therapist doesn’t truly understand you or makes you uncomfortable, it’s okay to seek someone else. Remember you have a choice and a voice and you deserve to be heard. Qualifications and Professional Standards In the UK, there is currently no regulation for therapists. To provide some reassurance you can look for therapists who are members of a professional body, such as BACP, UKCP, NCPS. These organisations ensure that therapists adhere to professional and ethical guidelines, undergo continuous training, and maintain up-to-date knowledge in their field. However, a therapist may not be a member of an organisation but could still be appropriately qualified. Adoption is not something covered by general therapy training so additional training in this area could be beneficial. It’s okay to ask a therapist about their qualifications if you are unsure or it isn’t clear from available information. Consider Practical Aspects While finding the right therapist is about more than just logistics, there are practical considerations that can affect your experience. Some factors to keep in mind: Location and availability : Do you prefer face-to-face therapy, or would you be open to virtual sessions? Many therapists in the UK now offer online sessions, which can make it easier to find someone who meets your needs regardless of location. Make sure to check the therapist’s availability and whether their schedule works for you. Cost : Therapy can be expensive, and while NHS services may be available, there are often long waiting lists. Private therapy is an option, but it's important to understand the fees upfront. Some therapists offer sliding scale rates based on your financial situation, so it’s worth inquiring about this if cost is a concern. Session frequency and duration : Ask about the structure of therapy sessions. Some adoptees find that they need more frequent sessions in the beginning, while others prefer a less intensive approach. Recommendations and Referrals Getting recommendations from others who have had therapy or from trusted organisations can be invaluable. Consider reaching out to: Adoption support groups : Online communities and local adoption support groups may be able to recommend therapists with experience in adoption. Adoption charities : Organisations like  Adoption UK  or  PAC-UK  may be able to provide resources or referrals to therapists who specialise in adoption-related issues. Your GP or local mental health service : While waiting lists for NHS therapists can be long, your GP may be able to refer you to someone experienced in adoption support. Some therapists provide reviews or testimonials from past clients which might give you a sense of how the therapist works and whether they are a good fit for your needs. Final Thoughts Seeking therapy as an adoptee can be a transformative experience. The right therapist can help you process your emotions, develop a stronger sense of identity, and work through any trauma or relational difficulties you might be experiencing. Take the time to find someone who understands the complexities of adoption and who creates a safe, supportive space for you to heal and grow. Find a therapist that speaks to your heart. If you feel that therapy could benefit you, don’t hesitate to take the first step in finding a therapist who truly understands your unique experience. You can contact me for a no obligation introductory call to see if I might be the right therapist for you.

The sun rising over the horizon, casting a mystical violet glow on the landscape, signalling the end of a long journey. Adoption is a deeply transformative experience and while it can, and often does, provide someone with a loving and stable home, adopted individuals may still carry complex feelings and unanswered questions about their identity, family history, and sense of belonging. Therapy, can provide crucial support, offering a safe space for adoptees to explore their emotions, develop greater self-awareness, and enhance their emotional well-being. For adoptees, therapy can be a powerful tool for healing and growth. Therapy provides a space for greater self-awareness, enhanced self-esteem, emotional security, and validation. It empowers adopted people to better understand their past and present, integrate their adoption story, and develop healthy coping mechanisms for navigating life’s challenges. Gaining Greater Self-Awareness For many adoptees, understanding who they are can be a journey marked by a sense of disconnection or confusion. A relational therapeutic approach grounded in empathy, genuineness, and unconditional positive regard, provides a nonjudgmental space for individuals to reflect on their thoughts and feelings in the context of how they relate to themselves and others. In therapy, adopted people can explore their personal history, including their adoption story, and gain deeper insights into their identities. This process can help them better understand how their past, including feelings of abandonment or loss, shapes their present self-concept. Through a compassionate therapeutic relationship, they can explore questions such as:  Who am I outside of my adoption? How does my past inform my present relationships and choices? As therapy encourages openness and reflection, it helps adopted individuals connect the dots between their past experiences and present emotions, allowing them to develop a clearer, more integrated and authentic sense of self. Enhancing Self-Esteem Self-esteem can often be a challenge for adoptees, especially those who have experienced early trauma, neglect, or abandonment. The feeling of being "given up" or not being wanted can have a lasting impact on someone’s self-worth. Therapy can offer a safe and supportive environment where adopted people can work through these feelings and start to build a healthier, more positive self-image. A good therapist will offer warmth, acceptance, and empathy—qualities that are essential for fostering self-compassion. When adopted individuals are met with unconditional positive regard, they are more likely to develop an internal sense of self-worth that is not defined by the circumstances of their adoption. Over time, this compassionate therapeutic relationship can empower individuals to see their value and worth, independent of any past trauma or abandonment. Furthermore, therapy can help people separate their self-esteem from external validation. By helping adoptees reframe their thoughts, they can learn to embrace their uniqueness and strengths, leading to increased self-confidence and a healthier self-concept. Establishing Emotional Security Adoptees may have struggled with feelings of instability, particularly in the early years of their lives. For those who experienced neglect, abuse, or multiple placements before being adopted, emotional security can feel like a distant goal. Therapy can offer a safe and predictable space where these individuals can process their feelings and develop emotional resilience. Through the therapeutic process, adopted individuals can begin to build trust—both in themselves and in others. With the support of a therapist, they can learn to recognize and express their emotions, creating a sense of emotional security that might have been absent in their early experiences. The therapist’s role is not only to listen but also to model a secure, stable relationship, helping the individual understand that emotional safety is possible, even if it was not always present in their past. Therapy also helps adopted people develop emotional regulation skills, empowering them to manage their emotions in healthier ways. This emotional security serves as a foundation for better mental health and stronger relationships in the future. Deepening Understanding of Their Adoption Story Adoptees often struggle with questions about their origins, and these unanswered questions can leave emotional scars. "Why was I given up?" "What did my birth parents feel?" "Do I belong here?" These and other questions can linger throughout a person’s life. Therapy allows adopted individuals to explore these feelings in-depth, helping clients come to terms with their adoption story and making sense of the emotions tied to it. This might involve exploring grief, loss, and even anger, as well as the feelings of gratitude and love that may coexist with these difficult emotions. By developing a deeper understanding of their adoption story, individuals can begin to integrate their history into their overall sense of self. Rather than feeling fragmented by their past, they can see it as part of a larger narrative, giving them the agency to shape how they move forward in life. Validating Experiences One of the most profound benefits of therapy for adoptees is the validation of their experiences. Many adopted people may feel that their experiences are misunderstood, overlooked, or minimized by others who haven’t lived through similar challenges. It can be a powerful experience within the therapy room for someone’s feelings to be not only heard but deeply understood and validated. Therapy can help someone in understanding that their emotions are normal and valid. This is especially important for those who may feel isolated or misunderstood in their personal lives. By validating the unique struggles that adopted individuals face, therapy can help them feel seen and less alone, giving them the courage to face challenges with greater resilience. Developing Coping Mechanisms Lastly, therapy helps adoptees develop coping mechanisms for dealing with the complexities of adoption-related emotions. Whether it’s managing feelings of abandonment, dealing with the pressure of searching for biological family members, or navigating the challenges of blended family dynamics, therapy offers tools for coping effectively with stress. Therapy should encourage individuals to tap into their inner resources and strengths. Therapists may also introduce practical coping strategies, such as mindfulness, self-soothing techniques, and communication skills, to help people manage difficult emotions and improve their overall mental health.   If you are looking for compassionate and empathetic support along your adoption journey, contact me to book an introductory call to discuss how we might work together.