Many adoptees grapple with questions of identity and belonging. This post reflects on why adoption can create confusion and how these feelings can be explored in therapy. Adoption counselling for adult adoptees – image symbolising fluidity and confusion of identity and belonging. Who am I really? Where do I come from? What parts of me are nature, and what parts are nurture? These are the kinds of questions many adoptees carry. They can be profound and unsettling, sometimes showing up as a sense of not fully belonging, feeling invisible in conversations, or wondering who you might have been without the disruption of adoption. For many, this creates a quiet undercurrent of confusion - a push and pull between the self you feel inside and the self you were expected to become. This experience often connects closely with adoption trauma in adulthood, which I have explored in another post . The Complexity of Identity for Adoptees Identity is shaped by a combination of genetics, environment, culture, and personal experiences. While all individuals go through a process of self-discovery, adoptees often face unique challenges in piecing together their identities. This can stem from: ·       Lack of Biological Continuity  – Many people find grounding in family resemblances, inherited traits, and shared family history. For adoptees, this connection can feel absent or incomplete, leading to a sense of fragmentation. ·       Unanswered Questions  – Adoptees may not have access to their full birth history, medical records, or the reasons behind their adoption, leaving gaps in their personal narrative. ·       Dual Identities  – Some adoptees feel caught between their biological heritage and their adoptive family’s culture and traditions, struggling to integrate both aspects. Feeling Ungrounded and Disconnected Without clear biological roots, many adoptees describe feeling unanchored, like a boat drifting on the water. This lack of a foundational sense of belonging can create: ·       A struggle with self-definition  – Without knowing where you come from, defining who you are can feel elusive. ·       A sense of ‘otherness’  – Feeling different from both adoptive and biological families can create an ongoing internal conflict. ·       Difficulties in relationships  – Uncertainty about identity can sometimes make it harder to connect authentically with others and sometimes also with yourself. Navigating Identity Confusion While identity confusion can feel overwhelming, there are ways to foster a stronger sense of self: ·       Exploration and Self-Reflection  – Journaling, therapy, or talking with other adoptees can help clarify feelings and experiences. ·       Seeking Information  – If possible, accessing birth records, heritage research, or even DNA testing can provide missing pieces of the puzzle. ·       Embracing Both Sides  – Accepting that identity can be fluid and that it’s okay to integrate aspects of both biological and adoptive roots can be empowering. ·       Therapeutic Support  – Working with a therapist who understands adoption-related issues can provide a safe space to process identity struggles. Conclusion Identity confusion is a real and valid experience for many adoptees, but it doesn’t have to define them. By exploring their past, embracing their unique story, and finding grounding in self-awareness and support, adoptees can build a sense of identity that feels authentic and whole. Healing and self-acceptance take time, but every step towards understanding oneself is a step towards greater peace and clarity. If you're struggling with identity confusion as an adoptee, know that you're not alone. Support is available, and your journey to self-discovery is valid and important. This is one of the issues I often explore with clients. If any of this resonates with you, you don’t have to work through it alone. Therapy can be a space to explore these feelings in your own time. You can read more about how I work with adult adoptees  here . To learn more about me and my practice, you’re welcome to visit  Lynn Earnshaw Counselling .

Adoption trauma can surface in adulthood in ways that affect relationships, self-worth, and emotional wellbeing. This post explores why it matters and how therapy can help. Adult adoptee therapy – exploring the impact of adoption trauma in adulthood. Image suggests a sense of reflection and the quest for meaning. Sometimes the impact of adoption shows up in quiet, unexpected ways: a fear of being left, a feeling of not quite belonging, or a deep uncertainty about who you are. For many adult adoptees, these threads trace back to something often called adoption trauma . It is not always visible, but it can shape the way we see ourselves, how safe we feel in relationships, and how much we trust others. In this post, I’ll reflect on what adoption trauma means, how it can show up, and how therapy might help. All Adoption Involves Trauma Adoption is often spoken about in terms of love, rescue, or a second chance, but that narrative rarely tells the whole story. What is less acknowledged is that all adoption begins with a profound loss: the loss of a first mother, a first family, and often, a first identity. No matter how loving an adoptive home might be, adoption itself involves separation trauma, and for many adult adoptees, this early rupture continues to echo across a lifetime. This trauma does not always look like a dramatic event. It can be subtle, even invisible to others. But its effects run deep, touching relationships, self-worth, and the way emotions are expressed and managed What Is Adoption Trauma? Adoption trauma refers to the psychological and emotional impact of early separation from a birth parent. Even in cases of infant adoption, where there may be no conscious memory of the event, the body and nervous system often carry the imprint of loss. Many adult adoptees describe feelings such as: An ongoing fear of abandonment Difficulty trusting others Struggles with identity or belonging ( I have written more about identity confusion here ) A sense of not being “enough” Conflicted feelings about adoption itself These are not signs of weakness. They are natural responses to early, unresolved grief Fear of Abandonment in Relationships One of the most persistent themes in adoption trauma is fear of abandonment. For many adoptees, the first experience of being separated from their biological mother creates a deep-rooted belief: "People who love me might leave." This fear can show up in adult life as: Avoiding emotional closeness Becoming overly independent or self-reliant Feeling anxious or insecure in relationships Being hyper-alert to signs of rejection Even when these patterns feel confusing or out of place, they often make sense when seen through the lens of early loss. Another layer of adoption trauma can be the quiet impact of misattunement and those early experiences of not quite being met. I explore this further here . Anniversaries and birthdays as reminders Adoption trauma can also resurface at particular times of year. Anniversaries, holidays, or birthdays may act as reminders of loss and separation. For some adoptees, a birthday is not only about celebration. It can also mark the moment of relinquishment. This mix of emotions may bring sadness, longing, or questions about identity. I've written more about how birthdays can be difficult here . How Therapy Can Support Adult Adoptees Therapy can offer a space to explore your story, not just the version you were told but the one you are still discovering. Together, we might look at how early loss shaped your sense of safety in relationships, or how fears of abandonment show up in daily life. Therapy can also be a place to strengthen your identity beyond the adoptee label, and to build compassion for yourself when old wounds are stirred. This work can feel emotional and sometimes painful. But it can also be liberating, an opportunity to reconnect with yourself in a deeper and more grounded way. Finding the Right Support If you're an adult adoptee in the UK looking for support, you're not alone and you don’t have to figure it all out by yourself. As a UK-based counsellor specialising in work with adopted adults, I offer a calm, confidential space to explore what adoption means for you. Whether you’re only just beginning to ask questions, or you’ve been carrying the weight of this for years, therapy can support your healing at your own pace. You can find out more about how I work here . You deserve to be heard, not just as someone who was adopted, but as someone with a rich, complex inner world shaped by your unique story. To learn more about me and my practice, you’re welcome to visit  Lynn Earnshaw Counselling .

Many adoptees grow up hearing “you were chosen”. This post explores what those words really mean and how they can shape identity and belonging Adoption counselling for adult adoptees – reflecting on trauma and healing. “You were chosen.” This is a phrase many adoptees have heard. It is almost always spoken with the intention of kindness and love. It’s meant to reassure, to soothe and to be a comforting story offered to children trying to make sense of why they ended up in a different family. And for some, this story works for a while. There can be warmth in the idea that someone  wanted  you and that among all possibilities,  you  were the one selected. But what happens when that narrative begins to feel… complicated? When “Being Chosen” Feels Different As adult adoptees explore their stories more deeply, often in therapy, journalling, or simply through lived experience, the “chosen” narrative can shift. What once felt like comfort can begin to feel like pressure, or even like a cover for a harder truth. The reality is that babies are not chosen. They are assigned or placed. Decisions are made by adults, often with little thought for what it means to the baby. For some adoptees, this makes the “chosen” story feel hollow — a glossing over of separation and loss. For others, “being chosen” brings up unsettling imagery: babies lined up, waiting to be picked. It can echo memories many of us have from school sports — standing in a line, waiting to see if you’ll be chosen quickly, or left until last. That sense of powerlessness and fear of rejection can sit quietly inside the “chosen” narrative, even if it is never spoken aloud. Themes Behind “Being Chosen” Here are some of the feelings that can surface as adoptees reflect on what “being chosen” means to them: Theme How It Might Show Up Idealisation Feeling like you need to be  grateful , or even “perfect”, to live up to the idea of being “specially chosen.” Loss & Rejection “If I was chosen… why was I not kept?” The story of being picked can sometimes bypass the grief of being relinquished. Agency Adoption happens  to  children - being “chosen” can minimise the lack of say an adoptee had in life-altering decisions. Performance Pressure Feeling like you have to prove you were “worth choosing.” This can quietly feed into perfectionism or people-pleasing. This isn’t to say that every adoptee will feel this way. But many do. And often, they’ve never said it out loud, especially if they’re worried about hurting the feelings of adoptive parents or others who love them. Making Space for the Full Story A common feeling can be something like this: “I know they meant well… but I feel like I can’t be angry or sad about being adopted because I was ‘chosen’. I feel guilty for even questioning it.” That guilt is real. So is the pressure to protect others from your pain. But therapy can be a space where  your truth matters most  with no sugar-coating required. Part of healing is allowing more than one truth to exist at once: Yes , your adoptive parents may have loved you deeply. Yes , they may have genuinely believed they “chose” you. And  yes , you may also carry deep grief, anger, confusion, or loss. These feelings aren’t mutually exclusive. They’re part of the complex, layered experience of being adopted. Reclaiming Your Own Language A powerful shift in adult adoptees is the move from stories they were told  about  themselves, to narratives they write  for  themselves. You might choose to reframe “being chosen” in a way that feels more true: “I was placed in a family that loved me and I’m still allowed to feel grief about what I lost.” “I didn’t get to choose what happened to me, but I’m choosing to understand it now.” “I’m exploring  my  story, not just the one I was told.” Therapy can support you in gently unpacking old narratives and building new ones that are more aligned with who you are now. Exploring the “chosen” narrative can also open up questions about identity and I’ve written more about identity confusion in adoptees here . A Gentle Invitation Being adopted often means carrying layers of emotion that aren’t always visible on the surface. The “chosen” story may have comforted your younger self and you may now be ready to explore the story beneath it. If any of this resonates, you don’t have to work through it alone. Therapy can be a space to explore these feelings in your own time. You can read more about how I work with adult adoptees  here . To learn more about me and my practice, you’re welcome to visit  Lynn Earnshaw Counselling .

Choosing the right therapist is an important step for adoptees. This post offers key considerations for finding support in the UK. Adoption counselling for adult adoptees – image symbolising a large directory. Finding the right therapist can feel daunting, and for adoptees there may be extra considerations. Trust, safety, and understanding of adoption’s lifelong impact all matter. This post explores what adoptees might want to look for when seeking a therapist in the UK. Being an adoptee comes with a unique set of experiences and navigating life as someone who was adopted can present emotional and psychological challenges that are distinct from those faced by non-adopted individuals. Therapy can be a powerful way to understand yourself, heal from trauma, and foster better mental health. It is essential that your therapist understands the significance of the developmental trauma resulting from relinquishment. In the UK, there are many therapists available, but finding the right one to support you in your adoption journey requires careful thought. It’s important to understand what you're looking for in a therapist and what qualities or qualifications they should have to provide effective support. Clarify Your Reasons for Seeking Therapy Before you begin your search, take some time to reflect on why you’re seeking therapy. Therapy for adoptees can address a wide range of issues, and knowing what you want to focus on can help you find a therapist who is best equipped to support you. You may also want to think about whether you are looking for a solution-focussed therapist to target specific concerns which tends to be shorter term work or a less directive approach allowing you to be more open and explore things more deeply. Look for Specialisation Adoption is a complex issue, and not all therapists are familiar with the specific emotional, social, and psychological challenges adoptees face. It’s important to find a therapist who understands adoption dynamics and has had appropriate training in this area. Lived experience can also be incredibly valuable. Therapists who specialise in adoption support will have a nuanced understanding of the emotional layers involved in adoption and will be better equipped to guide you through the challenges you might face. A Safe, Non-Judgmental Space One of the most important factors in choosing a therapist is how comfortable you feel with them. Therapy is a deeply personal and vulnerable experience, and you need to feel safe, supported, and understood. Being in relationship can be difficult for adoptees but trusting in a good therapeutic relationship can be amazingly healing. Here are some things to consider when assessing whether a therapist provides the right environment: Empathy and understanding : The therapist should approach you with warmth and empathy, respecting and validating your unique experiences as an adoptee. Cultural sensitivity : Adoptees from different backgrounds may have unique experiences related to race, ethnicity, or culture. A good therapist should have cultural competence and be respectful of your identity. Non-judgmental attitude : A therapist should create a space where you feel free to express yourself without fear of judgment. They should listen actively and validate your feelings, even if those feelings are complicated or conflicted. Trust your instincts and if you feel that a therapist doesn’t truly understand you or makes you uncomfortable, it’s okay to seek someone else. Remember you have a choice and a voice and you deserve to be heard. Qualifications and Professional Standards In the UK, there is currently no regulation for therapists. To provide some reassurance you can look for therapists who are members of a professional body, such as BACP, UKCP, NCPS. These organisations ensure that therapists adhere to professional and ethical guidelines, undergo continuous training, and maintain up-to-date knowledge in their field. However, a therapist may not be a member of an organisation but could still be appropriately qualified. Adoption is not something covered by general therapy training so additional training in this area could be beneficial. It’s okay to ask a therapist about their qualifications if you are unsure or it isn’t clear from available information. Consider Practical Aspects While finding the right therapist is about more than just logistics, there are practical considerations that can affect your experience. Some factors to keep in mind: Location and availability : Do you prefer face-to-face therapy, or would you be open to virtual sessions? Many therapists in the UK now offer online sessions, which can make it easier to find someone who meets your needs regardless of location. Make sure to check the therapist’s availability and whether their schedule works for you. Cost : Therapy can be expensive, and while NHS services may be available, there are often long waiting lists. Private therapy is an option, but it's important to understand the fees upfront. Some therapists offer sliding scale rates based on your financial situation, so it’s worth inquiring about this if cost is a concern. Session frequency and duration : Ask about the structure of therapy sessions. Some adoptees find that they need more frequent sessions in the beginning, while others prefer a less intensive approach. Recommendations and Referrals Getting recommendations from others who have had therapy or from trusted organisations can be invaluable. Consider reaching out to: Adoption support groups : Online communities and local adoption support groups may be able to recommend therapists with experience in adoption. Adoption charities : Organisations like  Adoption UK  or  PAC-UK  may be able to provide resources or referrals to therapists who specialise in adoption-related issues. Your GP or local mental health service : While waiting lists for NHS therapists can be long, your GP may be able to refer you to someone experienced in adoption support. Some therapists provide reviews or testimonials from past clients which might give you a sense of how the therapist works and whether they are a good fit for your needs. Final Thoughts Seeking therapy as an adoptee can be a transformative experience. The right therapist can help you process your emotions, develop a stronger sense of identity, and work through any trauma or relational difficulties you might be experiencing. Take the time to find someone who understands the complexities of adoption and who creates a safe, supportive space for you to heal and grow. Find a therapist that speaks to your heart. If you feel that therapy could benefit you, don’t hesitate to take the first step in finding a therapist who truly understands your unique experience. If you’d like to know more about my approach to adoption counselling, you’ll find details here . You can contact me for a no obligation introductory call to see if I might be the right therapist for you and to learn more about me and my practice, you’re welcome to visit  Lynn Earnshaw Counselling .

Therapy can provide adoptees with a safe and compassionate space to explore identity, loss, and self-worth. This post expands on how counselling can help. Adult adoptee therapy – finding connection and clarity around identity. Image symbolising the end of a long journey. Welcome. I’m Lynn Earnshaw, a relational counsellor supporting adult adoptees across the UK. Through my practice, Lynn Earnshaw Counselling, I offer a compassionate and attuned space to explore themes such as adoption trauma, identity, and self-worth. In this post, I’ll be reflecting on how therapy can help adult adoptees. Adoption is a deeply transformative experience and while it can, and often does, provide someone with a loving and stable home, adopted individuals may still carry complex feelings and unanswered questions about their identity, family history, and sense of belonging. Therapy, can provide crucial support, offering a safe space for adoptees to explore their emotions, develop greater self-awareness, and enhance their emotional well-being. For adoptees, therapy can be a powerful tool for healing and growth. Therapy provides a space for greater self-awareness, enhanced self-esteem, emotional security, and validation. It empowers adopted people to better understand their past and present, integrate their adoption story, and develop healthy coping mechanisms for navigating life’s challenges. Gaining Greater Self-Awareness For many adoptees, understanding who they are can be a journey marked by a sense of disconnection or confusion. A relational therapeutic approach grounded in empathy, genuineness, and unconditional positive regard, provides a nonjudgmental space for individuals to reflect on their thoughts and feelings in the context of how they relate to themselves and others. In therapy, adopted people can explore their personal history, including their adoption story, and gain deeper insights into their identities. If identity is something you’re curious about, you may like my post on identity confusion in adoptees . This process can help them better understand how their past, including feelings of abandonment or loss, shapes their present self-concept. Through a compassionate therapeutic relationship, they can explore questions such as:  Who am I outside of my adoption? How does my past inform my present relationships and choices? As therapy encourages openness and reflection, it helps adopted individuals connect the dots between their past experiences and present emotions, allowing them to develop a clearer, more integrated and authentic sense of self. Enhancing Self-Esteem Self-esteem can often be a challenge for adoptees, especially those who have experienced early trauma, neglect, or abandonment. The feeling of being "given up" or not being wanted can have a lasting impact on someone’s self-worth. Therapy can offer a safe and supportive environment where adopted people can work through these feelings and start to build a healthier, more positive self-image. A good therapist will offer warmth, acceptance, and empathy, qualities that are essential for fostering self-compassion. When adopted individuals are met with unconditional positive regard, they are more likely to develop an internal sense of self-worth that is not defined by the circumstances of their adoption. Over time, this compassionate therapeutic relationship can empower individuals to see their value and worth, independent of any past trauma or abandonment. Furthermore, therapy can help people separate their self-esteem from external validation. By helping adoptees reframe their thoughts, they can learn to embrace their uniqueness and strengths, leading to increased self-confidence and a healthier self-concept. Establishing Emotional Security Adoptees may have struggled with feelings of instability, particularly in the early years of their lives. For those who experienced neglect, abuse, or multiple placements before being adopted, emotional security can feel like a distant goal. Therapy can offer a safe and predictable space where these individuals can process their feelings and develop emotional resilience. Through the therapeutic process, adopted individuals can begin to build trust, both in themselves and in others. With the support of a therapist, they can learn to recognize and express their emotions, creating a sense of emotional security that might have been absent in their early experiences. The therapist’s role is not only to listen but also to model a secure, stable relationship, helping the individual understand that emotional safety is possible, even if it was not always present in their past. Therapy also helps adopted people develop emotional regulation skills, empowering them to manage their emotions in healthier ways. This emotional security serves as a foundation for better mental health and stronger relationships in the future. Deepening Understanding of Their Adoption Story Adoptees often struggle with questions about their origins, and these unanswered questions can leave emotional scars. "Why was I given up?" "What did my birth parents feel?" "Do I belong here?" These and other questions can linger throughout a person’s life. I've written more about adoption trauma here . Therapy allows adopted individuals to explore these feelings in-depth, helping clients come to terms with their adoption story and making sense of the emotions tied to it. This might involve exploring grief, loss, and even anger, as well as the feelings of gratitude and love that may coexist with these difficult emotions. By developing a deeper understanding of their adoption story, individuals can begin to integrate their history into their overall sense of self. Rather than feeling fragmented by their past, they can see it as part of a larger narrative, giving them the agency to shape how they move forward in life. Validating Experiences One of the most profound benefits of therapy for adoptees is the validation of their experiences. Many adopted people may feel that their experiences are misunderstood, overlooked, or minimized by others who haven’t lived through similar challenges. It can be a powerful experience within the therapy room for someone’s feelings to be not only heard but deeply understood and validated. Therapy can help someone in understanding that their emotions are normal and valid. This is especially important for those who may feel isolated or misunderstood in their personal lives. By validating the unique struggles that adopted individuals face, therapy can help them feel seen and less alone, giving them the courage to face challenges with greater resilience. Developing Coping Mechanisms Lastly, therapy helps adoptees develop coping mechanisms for dealing with the complexities of adoption-related emotions. Whether it’s managing feelings of abandonment, dealing with the pressure of searching for biological family members, or navigating the challenges of blended family dynamics, therapy offers tools for coping effectively with stress. Therapy should encourage individuals to tap into their inner resources and strengths. Therapists may also introduce practical coping strategies, such as mindfulness, self-soothing techniques, and communication skills, to help people manage difficult emotions and improve their overall mental health. If any of this resonates, you don’t have to work through it alone. Therapy can be a space to explore these feelings in your own time You can read more about how I work with adult adoptees  here . To learn more about me and my practice, you’re welcome to visit  Lynn Earnshaw Counselling .

When early attunement is missing, adoptees may learn to doubt their inner world. This post looks at how misattunement shapes identity and emotional trust. Adult adoptee counselling – image symbolising misattunement and inner world. Attunement is one of the most essential building blocks of early human development but for many adult adoptees, it’s something that was missing, misunderstood, or painfully inconsistent. As a therapist and adoptee myself, I often hear clients share something that boils down to this: “I don’t know how I feel... and even if I do, I’m not even sure I’m allowed to feel it.” If that resonates with you, you’re not alone. And it may be rooted in something called misattunement . What Is Attunement and Why Does It Matter So Much? In early infancy, our sense of self develops through the responses we receive from our caregivers. When a parent tunes in to their baby’s cries, facial expressions, and rhythms and responds with warmth, comfort, or delight the baby feels seen, safe, and real. The psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott famously coined the term “good enough mother” to describe this ordinary, consistent care. In The Body Keeps the Score , Bessel van der Kolk reflects on this, noting that most parents, without trauma in the way, do “just fine” when it comes to this kind of attunement. But what happens when that’s not how the story starts? Why Misattunement Is More Likely in Adoption In adoptive families, even with deep love and the best of intentions, attunement doesn’t always come naturally. The adoptive mother hasn’t carried the baby in utero. The child has experienced an early rupture - a separation that can’t be explained in words, but is deeply felt in the body. There may be grief, confusion, or even guilt held unconsciously in the parent’s nervous system. Add to that the often unspoken pressure to “bond,” to “make it work,” or to live up to an ideal and we have a relational field that’s much harder to navigate. Attunement becomes effortful. And when the parent isn’t able to tune into the child’s needs and emotions, or perhaps feels overwhelmed by them, the child often does something incredibly clever to survive. They adapt. “I Became Who They Needed Me to Be” – The Adoptee’s Adaptation Many adoptees describe feeling like they became the idea of a baby their parents wanted. Smiling. Easy. Good. Not too sad. Not too angry. Not too much. This is often not a conscious process and it isn’t about blame. It’s a survival response. When a baby’s inner world isn’t reflected back to them accurately, they start to mistrust those internal sensations. They learn that what’s safe is not being themselves , but becoming whoever is needed in the moment. How This Shows Up in Adulthood Fast forward into adult life, and that early adaptation can look like: Struggling to name or trust your feelings A deep need to be “good” or “not a burden” People-pleasing or perfectionism Losing touch with who you really are Feeling empty, emotionally disconnected, or lost A fear that your real self is somehow “too much” or even no longer exists. These patterns can be painful, especially when you don’t remember when they started. But they make perfect sense in the context of early misattunement. This motional complexity may also surface at particular times such as birthdays (more here ) and other signficant anniversaries. Therapy for Adult Adoptees: Why It Can Be So Healing Therapy offers what may have been missing: A space where you don’t have to perform. Where you can take up space. Where your feelings, even the messy or confusing ones, are welcome. As a relational therapist, I believe that healing happens in relationship. Together, we can explore: Reconnecting with your emotional world Reclaiming your sense of self and not being defined by others’ needs Learning to trust your instincts and inner knowing Making sense of what happened, and how it shaped you You don’t have to adapt anymore. You’re Allowed to Be You: Fully and Without Apology If you’re an adult adoptee and this feels familiar, I want you to know: there’s nothing wrong with you. You’ve been adapting for a long time. It may have kept you safe, but it doesn’t have to define you now. Whether you feel disconnected from your emotions, unsure of who you really are, or just tired of being “the good one”, therapy can offer a place to explore it all. To be seen in your full complexity without needing to adapt. If any of this resonates, you don’t have to work through it alone. Therapy can be a space to explore these feelings in your own time. You can read more about how I work with adult adoptees  here . To learn more about me and my practice, you’re welcome to visit  Lynn Earnshaw Counselling .

For many adult adoptees, birthdays can carry both celebration and grief. This post explores why the day may feel difficult and how it can be reclaimed. Lit birthday cake with star-shaped candles and a ‘happy birthday’ candle, filtered in soft tones, reflecting the bittersweet emotions many adoptees experience on birthdays. For many people, birthdays are a time of celebration: a day to be surrounded by love, cake, laughter, and messages from friends and family. But for some adult adoptees, birthdays can stir up a complex blend of emotions - sadness, confusion, anger, or even numbness. If this is your experience, you are not alone. For many adopted people, particularly those relinquished at or soon after birth, birthdays can feel like a spotlight on loss, identity, and unanswered questions. As an adoptee myself, I know this mix of feelings well. Over the years, I have found comfort in celebrating with those closest to me, while also noticing the quieter emotions that birthdays bring. In this post, I’ll explore some of the reasons birthdays may feel difficult for adoptees, especially those relinquished at birth, and share gentle ways they might be reclaimed. The Day of Birth and Separation For some adoptees, the birthday is more than just a personal anniversary. It can also represent the beginning of separation. Even when relinquishment did not happen exactly at birth, the date itself symbolises the starting point of disconnection. It is the day a life began and the day that life was changed forever. A Complication Rather Than a Celebration A birthday may also stir up a sense of having entered the world as a complication rather than a celebration. For some adoptees, this sits beneath the surface as a quiet, painful echo that lingers long after childhood. Rather than feeling joyful, the day can carry an undercurrent of grief — especially if the adoptee has little or no information about their birth parents or the circumstances of their relinquishment. Some describe an unconscious sadness that surfaces each year, even if they cannot explain why. Others feel detached from birthday rituals altogether. This sense of separation and loss is often part of adoption trauma in adulthood, which I've written more about here . Becoming Someone Else: The Impact of Renaming One of the more complicated and often unspoken aspects of adoption is how it can alter the foundation of identity. For many adopted people, birth does not just mean being born. It can also mean being renamed, re-registered, and in some cases, erased. A new name.A new official birth certificate.A new family narrative. This can create a deep sense of confusion or disconnection. Who was I before I became this version of myself? Where is the record of the person I first was? This shift from one identity to another can make birthdays feel less like a celebration of you, and more like a painful reminder of what or who has been lost. These experiences are often part of wider identify confusion for adoptees . Holding Mixed Feelings It is important to say: it is okay to feel conflicted. You might feel grateful for the people who raised you, while also grieving those you were separated from. You might love being celebrated by friends and family, while also feeling a quiet ache for someone who is missing. You might enjoy the cake, the messages, the rituals and still want the day to pass quickly. These are not contradictions. They are the truths of someone holding more than one emotional reality at once. Many adoptees live with this complexity, especially if the experience of misattunement ( more here ) has shaped their ability to process emotions. Reclaiming Birthdays While it is understandable to feel discomfort around birthdays, it can also be possible to explore what might make them feel more meaningful for you. A few gentle suggestions: Create your own ritual, such as lighting a candle, journalling, or walking in nature to honour your journey Let someone you trust know how you are feeling, so you do not carry it alone Celebrate on your own terms and with the people who feel safe Make space for grief and celebration side by side You might even notice the moments when others express love and care for you. This does not erase the complexity, but sometimes it can feel good to let yourself be seen and cherished, just as you are now. You Are Not Alone If birthdays are difficult for you, please know you are not the only one. These feelings make sense in the context of your story. If you are someone who supports or loves an adoptee, it can help to ask open questions such as: "How do birthdays feel for you?" or "Is there anything you need today?" Being seen, heard, and held in this way can make a real difference. Final Thoughts Birthdays can carry a weight that is often invisible to others. They can also be a chance to reconnect with yourself, to honour your story, and to be celebrated by those who see all of you. If any of this resonates, you don’t have to work through it alone. Therapy can be a space to explore these feelings in your own time. You can read more about how I work with adult adoptees  here . To learn more about me and my practice, you’re welcome to visit  Lynn Earnshaw Counselling .