"You Were Chosen" - Unpicking the narrative for adoptees.
- Lynn Earnshaw
- May 5
- 3 min read
Updated: Sep 4
Many adoptees grow up hearing “you were chosen”. This post explores what those words really mean and how they can shape identity and belonging
“You were chosen.”
This is a phrase many adoptees have heard. It is almost always spoken with the intention of kindness and love. It’s meant to reassure, to soothe and to be a comforting story offered to children trying to make sense of why they ended up in a different family.
And for some, this story works for a while. There can be warmth in the idea that someone wanted you and that among all possibilities, you were the one selected.
But what happens when that narrative begins to feel… complicated?
When “Being Chosen” Feels Different
As adult adoptees explore their stories more deeply, often in therapy, journalling, or simply through lived experience, the “chosen” narrative can shift. What once felt like comfort can begin to feel like pressure, or even like a cover for a harder truth.
The reality is that babies are not chosen. They are assigned or placed. Decisions are made by adults, often with little thought for what it means to the baby. For some adoptees, this makes the “chosen” story feel hollow — a glossing over of separation and loss.
For others, “being chosen” brings up unsettling imagery: babies lined up, waiting to be picked. It can echo memories many of us have from school sports — standing in a line, waiting to see if you’ll be chosen quickly, or left until last. That sense of powerlessness and fear of rejection can sit quietly inside the “chosen” narrative, even if it is never spoken aloud.
Themes Behind “Being Chosen”
Here are some of the feelings that can surface as adoptees reflect on what “being chosen” means to them:
Theme | How It Might Show Up |
Idealisation | Feeling like you need to be grateful, or even “perfect”, to live up to the idea of being “specially chosen.” |
Loss & Rejection | “If I was chosen… why was I not kept?” The story of being picked can sometimes bypass the grief of being relinquished. |
Agency | Adoption happens to children - being “chosen” can minimise the lack of say an adoptee had in life-altering decisions. |
Performance Pressure | Feeling like you have to prove you were “worth choosing.” This can quietly feed into perfectionism or people-pleasing. |
This isn’t to say that every adoptee will feel this way. But many do. And often, they’ve never said it out loud, especially if they’re worried about hurting the feelings of adoptive parents or others who love them.
Making Space for the Full Story
A common feeling can be something like this:
“I know they meant well… but I feel like I can’t be angry or sad about being adopted because I was ‘chosen’. I feel guilty for even questioning it.”
That guilt is real. So is the pressure to protect others from your pain. But therapy can be a space where your truth matters most with no sugar-coating required.
Part of healing is allowing more than one truth to exist at once:
Yes, your adoptive parents may have loved you deeply.
Yes, they may have genuinely believed they “chose” you.
And yes, you may also carry deep grief, anger, confusion, or loss.
These feelings aren’t mutually exclusive. They’re part of the complex, layered experience of being adopted.
Reclaiming Your Own Language
A powerful shift in adult adoptees is the move from stories they were told about themselves, to narratives they write for themselves.
You might choose to reframe “being chosen” in a way that feels more true:
“I was placed in a family that loved me and I’m still allowed to feel grief about what I lost.”
“I didn’t get to choose what happened to me, but I’m choosing to understand it now.”
“I’m exploring my story, not just the one I was told.”
Therapy can support you in gently unpacking old narratives and building new ones that are more aligned with who you are now. Exploring the “chosen” narrative can also open up questions about identity and I’ve written more about identity confusion in adoptees here.
A Gentle Invitation
Being adopted often means carrying layers of emotion that aren’t always visible on the surface. The “chosen” story may have comforted your younger self and you may now be ready to explore the story beneath it.
If any of this resonates, you don’t have to work through it alone. Therapy can be a space to explore these feelings in your own time. You can read more about how I work with adult adoptees here.
To learn more about me and my practice, you’re welcome to visit Lynn Earnshaw Counselling.
