When Attunement Is Missing: How Misattunement in Adoption Affects Identity and Emotional Trust
- Lynn Earnshaw
- Aug 3
- 4 min read
Updated: 5 days ago
Welcome — I’m Lynn Earnshaw, a relational counsellor supporting adult adoptees across the UK. Through my practice, Lynn Earnshaw Counselling, I offer a compassionate and attuned space to explore themes such as adoption trauma, identity, and self-worth. In this post, I’ll be reflecting on attunement and misattunement.
Attunement is one of the most essential building blocks of early human development — and for many adult adoptees, it’s something that was missing, misunderstood, or painfully inconsistent.
As a therapist and adoptee myself, I often hear clients share something that boils down to this:
“I don’t know how I feel... and even if I do, I’m not even sure I’m allowed to feel it.”
If that resonates with you, you’re not alone. And it may be rooted in something called misattunement.
What Is Attunement — and Why Does It Matter So Much?
In early infancy, our sense of self develops through the responses we receive from our caregivers. When a parent tunes in to their baby’s cries, facial expressions, and rhythms — and responds with warmth, comfort, or delight — the baby feels seen, safe, and real.
The psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott famously coined the term “good enough mother” to describe this ordinary, consistent care. In The Body Keeps the Score, Bessel van der Kolk reflects on this — noting that most parents, without trauma in the way, do “just fine” when it comes to this kind of attunement.
But what happens when that’s not how the story starts?
Why Misattunement Is More Likely in Adoption
In adoptive families, even with deep love and the best of intentions, attunement doesn’t always come naturally.
The adoptive mother hasn’t carried the baby in utero. The child has experienced an early rupture — a separation that can’t be explained in words, but is deeply felt in the body. There may be grief, confusion, or even guilt held unconsciously in the parent’s nervous system.
Add to that the often unspoken pressure to “bond,” to “make it work,” or to live up to an ideal — and we have a relational field that’s much harder to navigate.
Attunement becomes effortful. And when the parent isn’t able to tune into the child’s needs and emotions — or feels overwhelmed by them — the child often does something incredibly clever to survive.
They adapt.
“I Became Who They Needed Me to Be” – The Adoptee’s Adaptation
Many adoptees describe feeling like they became the idea of a baby their parents wanted. Smiling. Easy. Good. Not too sad. Not too angry. Not too much.
This is often not a conscious process — and it isn’t about blame. It’s a survival response.
When a baby’s inner world isn’t reflected back to them accurately, they start to mistrust those internal sensations. They learn that what’s safe is not being themselves, but becoming whoever is needed in the moment.
How This Shows Up in Adulthood
Fast forward into adult life, and that early adaptation can look like:
Struggling to name or trust your feelings
A deep need to be “good” or “not a burden”
People-pleasing or perfectionism
Losing touch with who you really are
Feeling empty, emotionally disconnected, or lost
A fear that your real self is somehow “too much” or even no longer exists.
These patterns can be painful — especially when you don’t remember when they started. But they make perfect sense in the context of early misattunement.
Therapy for Adult Adoptees: Why It Can Be So Healing
Therapy offers what may have been missing: A space where you don’t have to perform. Where you can take up space. Where your feelings — even the messy or confusing ones — are welcome.
As a relational therapist, I believe that healing happens in relationship. Together, we can explore:
Reconnecting with your emotional world
Reclaiming your sense of self — not defined by others’ needs
Learning to trust your instincts and inner knowing
Making sense of what happened, and how it shaped you
You don’t have to adapt anymore.
You’re Allowed to Be You — Fully and Without Apology
If you’re an adult adoptee and this feels familiar, I want you to know: there’s nothing wrong with you. You’ve been adapting for a long time. It may have kept you safe, but it doesn’t have to define you now.
Whether you feel disconnected from your emotions, unsure of who you really are, or just tired of being “the good one” — therapy can offer a place to explore it all. To be seen in your full complexity without needing to adapt.
If any of this resonates, you don’t have to work through it alone. Therapy can be a space to explore these feelings in your own time — you can read more about how I work with adult adoptees here.
To learn more about me and my practice, you’re welcome to visit Lynn Earnshaw Counselling.
