Fitting In or Belonging? Why the Difference Matters for Adult Adoptees
- Lynn Earnshaw
- 3 days ago
- 4 min read
Many adoptees spend a lifetime learning how to fit in. But in the process, it’s easy to lose sight of who we truly are. This post explores the difference between fitting in and belonging, and why it matters so deeply.
Part of my “Identity & Belonging” series, exploring how adoption shapes who we are and how we connect.
Many of us spend much of our lives trying to fit in. We change how we speak, what we wear, or even what we share, so that others will accept us. For a while, it can look like belonging but it feels very different inside.
Researcher and writer Brené Brown makes a distinction that resonates deeply with many adoptees:
Fitting in means changing yourself to be accepted.
Belonging means being accepted as you truly are.
For those of us who were adopted, this difference often runs right to the core of who we feel ourselves to be.
Fitting In: A Survival Strategy
Adoptees often learn early on that safety can come from blending in. We may grow up with the unspoken message that being “easy,” “good,” or “grateful” helps us feel wanted.
This survival strategy can be powerful. It helps us avoid rejection, and it can bring praise or approval. But it also carries a cost: parts of ourselves get hidden away.
Psychologist Betty Jean Lifton described the "artificial self " as the version of ourselves shaped to meet others’ expectations, while the more vulnerable “forbidden self” stays out of sight. Fitting in often means living from that artificial self especially when early experiences of misattunement made it hard to feel fully seen.
The Cost of Fitting In
Over time, fitting in can feel exhausting. It can create a quiet ache - a sense that even when surrounded by people, we are not fully known. Sometimes that distance isn’t only from others but from ourselves.
Many adoptees describe a feeling of being lost inside their own lives, playing the expected roles, but unsure of who they really are beneath them. The strategies that once kept us safe can also blur our true sense of self, leaving us with an inner emptiness or confusion.
This is often when feelings of loneliness or invisibility surface more strongly, when it feels as if you don’t quite exist. These experiences can be part of the wider picture of adoption trauma.
Belonging: Being Seen as You Are
Belonging is different. It is the experience of being welcomed just as you are and not for the version of you that pleases others, but for your whole, authentic self.
For adoptees, belonging can feel both deeply longed-for and frightening. If hiding has been a lifelong habit, the idea of being fully seen may feel risky. Yet many describe a powerful sense of relief when they begin to allow themselves to be more visible, even in small ways.
Importantly, belonging doesn’t always have to mean family acceptance. It can be found in friendships, in communities, and sometimes for the first time within the safety of adoption counselling and therapy.
Why Midlife Can Bring This Into Focus
For many adoptees, the difference between fitting in and belonging becomes especially clear in midlife.
This stage of life often brings natural reflection. With more years behind than ahead, it’s common to pause and ask deeper questions: Who am I really? What matters to me now?
At the same time, roles that once offered structure (as a parent, partner, or in a career) may shift or fall away. Without those familiar identities to lean on, the ache of not fully knowing ourselves can feel more present.
For adoptees, this can awaken a stronger pull towards authenticity, and less patience for the exhausting task of fitting in. It can also stir feelings of identity confusion that have surfaced at other times in life.
Midlife can therefore be both unsettling and full of possibility: a time to begin exploring what it might mean to find belonging on your own terms.
How Therapy Can Support Belonging
Therapy offers a space to gently explore the difference between fitting in and belonging. Within the therapeutic relationship, there is room to notice the parts of you that learned to adapt, and also the parts that long to be more fully known.
If you’re exploring therapy for adult adoptees, you might find that the question of belonging sits at the heart of the work. Rather than pushing you to be vulnerable, therapy can provide a slow, steady environment where belonging begins with simply being accepted in the room – as you are, not as you think you “should” be.
If you have spent much of your life fitting in, you are not alone. Many adoptees share this experience.
Fitting in, belonging, and identity are common themes in adoption counselling. Therapy for adult adoptees can help you gently explore these experiences.
Belonging is possible, even if it takes time and gentle steps. If any of this resonates with you, you can read more about how I work with adult adoptees here.
To learn more about me and my practice, you’re welcome to visit Lynn Earnshaw Counselling.
