Exploring Identity Confusion in Adopted Adults

Many adoptees grapple with questions of identity and belonging. This post reflects on why adoption can create confusion and how these feelings can be explored in therapy.

Part of my “Identity & Belonging” series, exploring how adoption shapes who we are and how we connect.

Abstract illustration of a face in soft purple tones, symbolising the fluid and fragmented nature of identity for adult adoptees.

Who am I really? Where do I come from? What parts of me are nature, and what parts are nurture?

If you’ve ever found yourself circling these questions, you’re not alone. Many adoptees describe living with a quiet wondering about who they are, where they belong, and how the story of adoption has shaped their sense of self.

At times, these questions can bring a deep sense of unease or disconnection - a feeling of not quite belonging, or of being visible in the world but somehow unseen. They can surface at different points in life, sometimes unexpectedly, and can feel both painful and important to explore. This experience often connects closely with adoption trauma in adulthood, which I have explored in another post.

The Complexity of Identity for Adoptees

Identity is shaped by a combination of genetics, environment, culture, and lived experience. While everyone goes through some form of self-discovery, adoptees often face unique challenges in piecing together a sense of who they are.

For many, this can stem from:

Missing roots and biological continuity

When you don’t share family resemblances or stories that trace back through generations, it can feel as though something foundational is missing. Those shared traits and histories that help others feel “part of” can be harder to access for adoptees, leaving a quiet sense of fragmentation.

Unanswered questions

You might not have access to your full story including birth records, family history, or the reasons behind your adoption. These gaps can leave parts of your narrative untold, and it can be painful not to know what shaped you before you were placed.

Living between worlds

Many adoptees describe a feeling of being caught between two identities - biological and adoptive - each carrying their own meanings, loyalties, and expectations. It can take time and care to find a way to hold both without feeling split in two.

Feeling Ungrounded and Disconnected

Without those clear roots, many adoptees describe feeling unanchored — as though the ground beneath them keeps shifting. This can show up in different ways:

• A struggle with self-definition – When your beginnings are unknown or uncertain, it can be hard to define who you are.

• A sense of otherness – Feeling different from both adoptive and biological families can bring an ongoing sense of not quite fitting anywhere.

• Difficulties in relationships – When you’re unsure of who you are, it can sometimes be harder to connect authentically with others or even with yourself.

  
  

For some, this quiet disconnection grows over time and can become a source of shame or confusion. For others, it might sit in the background - a familiar ache that surfaces when life slows down enough to notice it.

This longing to know yourself and to feel “part of” something is deeply human. It’s also something I explore more deeply in my blog on fitting in and belonging.

Navigating Identity Confusion

Living with identity confusion can feel overwhelming, but it’s not a dead end. It’s often a sign that something in you is ready to be known.

There’s no single right way to explore identity, but some things can help:

Exploring and reflecting

Writing, talking, or creating can help make sense of the feelings and patterns that sit just beneath the surface. Many adoptees find that speaking with others who understand the adoption experience brings a kind of grounding that’s been missing.

Seeking information

For some, accessing birth records, heritage research, or even DNA testing can help fill in pieces of the story. For others, information might not be available and therapy can offer a space to process the feelings that come with that.

Allowing identity to evolve

Identity doesn’t have to be fixed. It can change and expand as you learn more about yourself. Allowing both biological and adoptive roots to coexist can bring a sense of wholeness that’s been missing.

Therapeutic support

Working with a therapist who understands adoption can help you gently explore these themes. Therapy for adult adoptees can offer a place of curiosity and care. Somewhere to wonder about who you are without pressure to have all the answers.

Moving Towards a Clearer Sense of Self

Living with identity confusion can be painful, but it doesn’t have to define you. Understanding who you are and allowing that to unfold in your own time can be part of reclaiming your story.

You might never know every detail of your past, but you can begin to feel more rooted in your present. Over time, it becomes possible to build a sense of identity that feels authentic, connected, and entirely your own.

This is one of the issues I often explore with clients. If any of this resonates with you, you don’t have to work through it alone. Therapy can be a space to explore these feelings in your own time. You can read more about how I work with adult adoptees here.

To learn more about me and my practice, you’re welcome to visit Lynn Earnshaw Counselling.